Productive Conflict

Productive conflict is key to healthy relationships. I introduce this topic relatively early, and return to it regularly, in therapy. With my clients, we explore when and how they engage or avoid productive conflict, what happens when they do, and how it feels—often uncomfortable to engage, often a relief to avoid, but with a big cost later. We talk about growth around having productive conflict in both personal and work relationships, and we check in on how we're doing with conflict in the therapy room itself.

I work hard to model approaching rather than avoiding conflict—holding differences between myself and my client with empathy, boundaries, and care. As a starting point, I encourage clients to reflect on how conflict was handled in their family of origin, how they felt about it as children, how they feel about it now, and where they hold those feelings in their bodies. There’s so much to this topic, and I’m working on a workbook to support this reflection.

Conflict avoidance—or acting out around conflict—is far too often the norm. I’m often stunned by how little productive conflict I see around me. But I don’t think we can be healthy in our relationships if we don’t know how to have it. Learning how to engage in productive conflict is complex, yes, but not learning it costs us—individually and collectively. It costs us in one-on-one relationships and in group relationships, including those at work.

Whether we're talking about couples, friendship, family dynamics, or work dynamics, aggression, coercion, or manipulation are never OK. We must respond to such tactics with boundaries, limits, and self-care. After that, if we cling to certainty—either in ourselves or by polarizing against someone else's view—we lose something essential. It prevents complex thinking and discussion, and keeps us from reaching the best answers… together.

In all our relationships, healthy conflict is an opportunity. If your opinions never change, or you feel certain you’re always right, see this as a concern—and consider opening up to more growth. Let’s embrace healthy conflict.