Getting Older - What’s The Playbook Now?
I’ve reached my 60’s. I recently noticed that, unlike when I was younger, the idea of driving to a nearby city to have lunch with a friend, only to turn around afterwards to drive right back, sounded tiring rather than energizing to me. My younger self would have been more than a little horrified at my lack of interest in this activity, and in fact horrified at the thought that I might be backing away from having a fun life! After all, what could be more fun than hanging out with a friend and relaxing to some tunes while driving there and back?
What else now sounds tiring?
Overpacking my weekend with too many events, even sometimes planning anything at all.
Traveling with the goal of seeing lots of things, when now I’d like to slow travel, or even just ‘be’ and not travel at all.
Going to a party, even a small dinner party, rather than having a single, slow, laughter-filled, sometimes unexpectedly wise or revelatory conversation with one other person, or at other times, just being with myself. And maybe a good book.
Life is moving so fast these days, and there is a part of me that wants it not quite so fast. I know that even many younger folks are interested in downshifting their lives as well, so I want to honor that everyone’s ‘way of being’ might be changing right now. Who knows what the humans of tomorrow will look like?
But I want to talk about the fact that many of my older clients are noticing this same theme in their lives, i.e. that they don’t want to do the same things as they used to and definitely not at the same paces they used to. They are worried there’s something wrong with them, or at least wondering ‘What’s going on with me?’
As I thought about this, and felt my own insecurity about some of my new choices, I remembered something that’s been running through my mind lately: What used to bore me when I was younger now feels good and engaging. And what used to excite me when I was younger now often feels tiring and boring.
I’m glad that when I was young, I was able to engage in and enjoy adventure and active exploration. And I am glad that ‘in my now’ I am able to enjoy and find peace in stillness, meditation, long walks and quiet, deep conversations. Of course, neither of these ‘ways of being’ belong solely to the young or the older version of ourselves.
But we do bring different energy to all of the stages of our lives and it is interesting to notice, think, and talk about this.
In our culture, we seem to have a certain playbook or expectations for how to be young. But as we age, it can feel like there’s no “feel-good” playbook for us that fits - the only ones available seem to be either “do younger things with gray hair” and do our best to deny aging, or “wait for things to stop working” and embrace the dark side of aging.
None of these options seems too attractive in the long run. So, as we shift, we wonder if it’s okay to want a different type of life than when we were younger, and if we are doing it “right.”
Young people can be surprised by seeing older people do some of active things that they do, like complicated yoga, skiing, or adventurous travel, and while I think that can be cool too, this excitement may be in part from a desire to ‘not change’ as we age, perhaps a desire, even, to be forever young. After all, doesn’t our culture push youth as the ideal? ...With the result that those of us who are aging might feel pushed to the sidelines, increasingly invisible?
But, despite my occasional insecurity that I don’t have the playbook, I want to change and embrace my aging. There is something compelling in this part of life that pulls me toward it. Having done many adventurous things in my youth, I now love seeing my interests shift to match my slow and deeper rootedness in the world. To claim this time as different than what came before and to be curious about a new and different kind of adventure. Who knew there is truly adventure in being still?!
I think we need a playbook for aging that reflects that, if our lives are going well, we might feel free to become quiet and explore our inner selves, our relationships, and the world in a way that can look like ‘standing still’ but is anything but.
As I’ve said in my writing elsewhere, the energy of people of all ages is very necessary, and we need to respect each other and to work together in order to make our world ‘go’ and to create a good world, a better world, together. We each bring something different and valuable to the table.
When we are young, we bring a lot of energy and new perspective to the world, challenging the status quo.
In our middle age, we help with balance in the world.
And as we become older, we function as anchors and provide a larger, wiser perspective to others.
As I write this though, I’m aware that we easily honor the work of the young in our culture, but not so much with our elders. Our elders, who are needed, can become invisible. And I want to bring attention to this and attention to the question: as we age, how does our playbook change?
There is no one playbook. Each person has their own, depending on the paths that their life has taken. But it’s important to be aware of yours and when it is calling you to change, to shift.
What’s your playbook now? What did it used to be? What do you hope it will be in the future? What has amazed you about being the age that you are now, that you didn’t expect?
Can you imagine, if you are young or middle-aged, that you might eventually want ‘to be’ in life differently than you are right now? That there might be a way that you want ‘to be in the world’ that seems foreign, maybe even unexciting now, but might feel really good later?
It’s odd that we expect our Self to not change as we age. Somehow, we’re supposed to develop wisdom and an elder’s perspective on humans and the world while standing in place? This doesn’t make sense! My clients and I are interested in finding answers that do make sense. It’s time for us to be visible as we age and to reach for a playbook that fits who we have become. And when this happens, we stop being the active ship, which was great, and start engaging the anchor and enjoying the view, which is also great😊. Yes, perhaps we are less active and explorative of the outer world, but more restful and still…saying a lot while speaking less.
Copyright © 2025 Dr. Julie E. Waters, Psy.D.