Catch and release

Nov 13

The introduction

Too often negative memories feel like they’re on constant repeat as our velcro brains ‘catch’ these memories and refuse to let them go. While our computer-like brains are powerful and helpful at times, it can feel to me like ‘the inner machine’ keeps on running even when we want it turned off.

I’ve come to see my brain as constantly reaching for something, anything, to do, and the more I allow it to run on ‘automatic’, the more often this operating system can expand, pulling up programs that can include the ‘let’s rehash the past’ program or ‘let’s find something new to worry about.’

It’s the ‘rehash the past’ program I want to talk about in this blog. But first a discussion about negotiating our brain.

The brain

For one thing, I think it can be helpful to see our brains as biological computers. Our brains are needed and helpful, it’s true, but they should not be in charge of us. Our culture often pushes the idea that our brains are the best part of us, and the ideal ‘us’ is perfectly logical and makes perfectly logical life decisions. Not only does the perfectly logical person not exist, but people who think they are perfectly logical tend to be, at a minimum, folks who too often fail to consider important (emotional, intuitive, contextual, etc.) data and ‘miss the boat’, and at the most extreme, dangerous as a result of ‘logically’ justifying horrifying decisions.

I trust the humble yet confident person who is on a mission to understand their inner map: good, bad, and everything in-between.

When we are unaware of our inner map, disconnected and checked out from our emotions, intuition, and bodily wisdom, we are often thinking and making decisions based on incomplete data that can be generated, to a concerning degree, by unchartered, unassimilated parts of our Selves. Example: Perhaps an unchartered, unassimilated part of a person could be their emotions which they ignore as much as possible. Guess what happens? We are then vulnerable to being hijacked by our rejected, buried emotions and influenced to make decisions that don’t always end well. Instead, if we are self-aware, and willing to own our whole Self, our emotions can be wisdom partners.

Our brains can hijack us too. I think the key to being a mature, growing human, which to me is the pinnacle of success for the job of ‘being a human’, is to cultivate self-awareness. Awareness is incredibly important. And you must chart your inner Self, which is a mini-universe, so you can cultivate awareness. Will you ever chart all of your Self? Of course not. That’s part of the mystery of being human…it keeps us engaged with our ever-changing Self, and other people.

What happens when our brain hijacks us? We are distracted from the good stuff of being human. When our brain stops being a helpful adjunct and, instead, grabs the controls, we stop focusing on our ‘now’, and start focusing on being ‘in control’ in ways that are not possible and aren’t desirable. For example, how many times do we fervently wish for and obsess about a particular outcome for our Selves, or someone we care about, only to find out later that wouldn’t have been the right thing at all? All too often if we’re paying attention.

If our brains aren’t hijacking us by playing ‘let’s control life’ programs, then we enter a more mindful place. We are in our bodies and connected to our body’s wisdom, our emotions and heart, nature, and if you believe in this, our souls (point of debate: perhaps our soul is the same as our consciousness).

Sure, our computer brain helps out by computing possibilities, with positive and negative factors for each one, and then computes logical pathways toward a desired outcome. It’s good information to know and factor in. But it is just the start, because we then return to our sense of ‘knowing’, and we follow our inner sense of the best way to traverse these and other possibilities, guided by our hearts, intuition, and body wisdom. We are fluid and in touch with our whole Self as we ‘move with’ possibility, and we are open to being surprised.

We support a choice that ‘feels right’ with our actions, and then we continue to ‘feel into’ that choice, pivoting as needed, rather than trying to force our life to line up with our computer brain’s choice. It turns out that our ‘logical choice,’ when disconnected from our ‘knowing,’ can more often than we expect, surprise us by flopping.

Our world has encouraged us to focus on our brains, then focus on them again (if you’ll forgive the pun) until many of us have lost touch with other parts of our navigational system. It is important that we reconnect with our inner sense of ‘knowing.’

The catch

When our brains ‘catch’ old memories and old mistakes, and put them on display and replay, complete with rigid judgmental programs like ‘if only I had done this’ or ‘only if I had done that’ and ‘that was so awful of me’ or ‘I’m such a bad person,’ we lose so much. Life is about learning and growing.

Yes, we are responsible, but let’s be self-compassionately responsible, and not ‘responsible’ to trap our Selves in endless circles, such as ‘why wasn’t I perfect’…

Possible responses to this question:

I didn’t know or understand enough to do better in that moment
It was a regrettable part of growing up
I wasn’t aware enough or empathic enough yet
I was tripped up by my trauma

If we are ‘responsible’ in a self-judgmental way, how then can we grow? In fact, obsession, self-judgement, and shame keep us away from our potential to grow.

Let’s grow instead by getting to know our inner landscape the only way we can: by going on a life adventure, experiencing courage, triumphs of heart, and making mistakes as we learn and become more aware. Yes, our heart breaks at some of the mistakes we made, or will make, yet that is a part of our path.

The Release

The practice:

When our velcro brain catches something, for example a tough memory, we:

Start by being aware. We notice calmly and without panicking. We say “Ah, here it is again.”
I wish to repeat this step because it’s an important one. It can help to say out loud, “I recognize this old memory, and I see that it’s back…here it is again.” Even if you feel silly doing this, you will notice a bit of separation beginning between you and the troubling memory, a sense of ‘I am not this memory.’
We then ask ourselves: is there anything more to learn from this memory? If so, explore through journaling, conversation with a friend or therapist, drawing, etc.
If the answer is ‘no’ then we can voice appreciation for what we already learned from it (we can thank it), and we release it. We do this because it’s easier to release something we accept rather than something we are fighting.
And we keep releasing it, as often as we need to, every time it pops back up (re-releasing it is the brain retraining). We are firm and determined because we have made our decision about what is good for us.
Then: We are gentle because we are doing another kind of brain re-training at the same time: we are caring for our Self, over and over again, until lovingly caring for our Self becomes ‘our new normal.’
We then thank our brains for their help (again, we are in acceptance) and then let our thoughts flow away as we recenter on our breath.
Next, to support ‘the release,’ we imagine crystal clear water flowing from the crown of our head and streaming through our body, washing away a thought or memory. Imagine these thoughts moving through your body then into the ground, changing form into something positive (fill in with your image, I use golden light).
Then we imagine feeling connected to our heart (insert your image of your heart and consider placing your hand on your heart).
Then connect to your body, and see if you can begin to feel grounded and at peace, safe. If you need help connecting to your body do this: breathe in and out, and imagine each exhale traveling to a different part of your body. Follow your breath into each part of your body. Take your time with this as you feel and inhabit each part of your body. Enjoy your body.
Now it is time to start the process of bringing that feeling of peace and trust into your body. To do this, bring up a peaceful memory or visualize something, someone, or an animal that brings up a feeling of peace for you (animals can often work the best because they are less complicated than the humans in our life). You might imagine cuddling with a beloved pet or someone you love, or being in a beautiful place, perhaps under a tree or around water. Focus on the peaceful feeling that comes up. Breathe. And, with your breath, imagine drawing ‘peace and trust’ into your core, keep breathing, and with each breath draw it, again, and again, into your core.
Some people are helped by imagining a low musical tone, that accompanies each breath, as an aid to assisting the process of drawing the peaceful feeling more and more deeply into your core. Repeat until it feels that it’s time to stop.
Note: You can use breathing techniques like boxed breathing, or find a breathing rhythm that feels good for your body. Breath is incredibly important and will anchor you to your body, to the moment, to your heart, and it will support your release of the memory.
Next, replace the memory with the body sense of peacefulness you worked on above, which is that your body knows (without thought) that everything is alright and is relaxed.
Note that you are releasing a computer brain thought and replacing it with a heart/body ‘knowing.'
Philosophical point: you are training your Self, in my opinion, to remember your birthright, an inner sense of peace and safety.
We repeat this as often as the memory reoccurs. Sometimes our brain is stubborn, especially when it’s finding out that it’s not in charge of us anymore. And over time, with practice (which is, again, brain re-training), all it will take is a gentle “I release this thought and its energy from this moment.”
Be patient, because now you have a practice you can return to. And the practice can be as important as the end point (Philosophical point: actually, there really isn’t an end point, and knowing that can make the process much more rewarding and relaxing).

the takeaway

This is the process-- Every time your mind ‘catches’ a memory that isn’t helping you grow by teaching you more about your Self or the world you live in, gently ‘release’ it, and let it know you don’t need it to return. It may come back, right away or eventually, but when it does you can make the choice not to be spun in helpless circles anymore. Instead, you can choose to return to your practice as described above. Eventually, the memory will lose its harsh and painful edges, and you won’t judge your Self when it comes up. With no judgement attached to it, the memory will become neutral, a thought about something that happened along the way as you lived and grew into who you are now.

The conclusion

As we say in mediation, keep returning to your Center. You are not your brain or the memory. As you return to center, I think you’ll find that’s the real you! Your brain is just supposed to be a helper, a receiver and an organizer of information. My life has taught me that being human is complicated and can be hard…and is often really wonderful. Let’s keep growing and discovering. Let’s stretch. What else is there to discover about our inner Selves? Let’s replace obsession and self-judgement with the question ‘Is there any more to learn from this memory?.'

If not, catch that memory and release it!

….and return to a sense of knowing, humility and curiosity. I think we’ll all feel better, and be better, if we do.

Julie Waters https://www.theintegratedpsychologist.com